Being Intentional

What does that even mean? I heard someone say that we need to be "intentional" with our relationships. It struck a chord with me.

Intentional means that you meant to do it. So you are telling me that I have to be a father, and husband and not be reactive? Case in point: Daughter wears a short skirt. I tell her thats not allowed. She throws a huge fit. I end up saying something that is offensive. She learns nothing.

How about a different approach. A more intentional approach. Sitting watching the disney channel with your daughter. You say "Look at what she is wearing, what kind of person do you think she is?" There you go. She will tell you what she thinks. Ask a lot of questions like "what do you want people to think of you? Well then what clothes do you think you should wear?" Then next time she wears a short skirt you comment is a question "If you wear that what type of person do you think people will think you are? Is that what you want?"


On deeper issues think about what awesome things you can do being intentional. You could be the person that your step-kids come to when they have a problem if you are the one who knows them on a deeper level and are intentionally being a part of their lives. Being there is 50%. Listening is 25% and follow through is another 25%.

Rather then just waiting for them to come to you, make it happen and become intentional.

Be there, be fair, and make them feel awesome at what they do right. Single moms dont lose your focus. You are in the perfect position to have the biggest impact on a persons life. You can be a hero to your kids. Step-dads you have the chance to make a great life for the kiddos. It is up to you to decide who and what you are going to be. You can do it! Love first, Laugh second, and worry about the rest after.

Routine

Yes the same word that makes me bored and tired.

It is so important to keep a good routine to create stability. Thats also what made the kiddos freak out when you started dating or got married. Think of it like this. Lets say you lost your job, and had your car repossed tomorrow. How would you feel? It was out of your span of control and yet it still happened.

My point is this...The kids are not the ones who make the decisions. The decisions that shape their young lives are made by the mom and step-dad. They didn't choose for their parents to get divorced and have to get used to living alone with mom and/or the grandparents. They certainly did not choose for a step-dad to move in. Kiddos can barely take one marriage, much less two or more.

The way to get the house stabilized and become their home again is to create and maintain a routine. They need to know what is going to happen next to settle down, just like you need to have your stability at work to maintain your sanity as well.

There are many areas in which you need to focus and have a "routine"
-bed time (about the same time, place, and order)
-discipline (they need to know what the consequences are before they do the crime)
- eating (sensible meals make sensible kiddos, giving them a chance to make good decisions)

Those are just a few areas but very important to making your house a home.

God is good! Single moms you have so much to offer. Step-dads you have a lot to learn. Hang in there and realize that the kiddos dont need much from you. They need your stability, love, and dedication. Love their mom before them, and be intentional when it comes to your relationships.

Bad Parenting

How many times have you heard someone say "I am a bad parent" or "I have not been a good parent lately"? That is something that comes out of my mouth, and I don't know why. Often when I find the best parents are the ones saying that and the parents that I do not think I want to be like are the ones that I never hear saying anything about their parenting skills. Why is that?

After I hear either of those phrases the question that comes to mind is..."compared to who?" Are you comparing your self to a TV sitcom like the cosby show, the general public, or mabye God (the ultimate father). Deep down I feel like I do the best I can and that I am a good father. But I dont normally compare myself to God. There is a problem with that. The first problem is that the Cosby show was not real and so the situations you are in as a parent do not offer anything that is fair to compare yourself to. The general public is not a good option to do any comparison unless you think daytime television is feeding your child healthy ideas and teaching them the right things.

My point is that we try to critique ourselves yet do not have the right focus. I know we all feel like we are not good enough or fit enough to be as good as God. But there are a lot of things that he has shown and given us that can help in our parenting journey. Everyone says no one is prepared to be a parent. That is so true. Yet when are where do we learn to be a parent. I certainly hope that we are not learning to be a parent from our kiddos. That would be like the blind leading the blind. Most of us probably put together our own little mix from our parents, and what we have seen on TV and from our friends that are parents.

The best parenting skills out there are ones directly from God. He has unconditional love yet is fair and just. He is 100% about us all the time and loves us for who we choose to be. What better parent is there for us to strive to be like?

Where are you today?

Today my parents came into town to visit for a few days. It has been full of crazy schedules, food, and lots of time at the park. The one thing that keeps coming up is us all comparing the kids from the last time the grandparents saw them. This is a natural event that happens all the time, but for me this time has been different. Why? Because now we are taking out a report card and talking through why they are the way they are.

Example: My oldest step-son was having all types of rage and breaking things at Christmas. He would get so upset he was uncontrollable for us and for him. Today we look at him and see that he has one minor blow up a week, compared to 3 blow ups a day. These acts of rage are less violent and last less time.

So what does all this mean? It means they are all progressing and learning. They are all feeling comfortable and have found their role in our new found family. You might say that the biological dad is getting in your way of progression. If I only told you our situation you would no longer be able to use that as an excuse. Obviously it makes it difficult to say the least, but far from impossible. It just seems impossible.

As I look at each of my kids it makes me so proud to know they are all doing better and are better off with me in their life. Can you say the same? Regardless of the grandparents being here or not, my wife and I have already set up times when we critique and review our beliefs and make sure our actions are directing us toward our beliefs or away from them. It is a time that also brings us more together and makes me see where I need to spend time.

Our last critique session was in a family meeting with the kids. It started by me asking the family where they think we are good, and where we need some help. The kids had input and so did we. It created the "buy-in" necessary to get the motivation and intensity up to achieve our goal.

The areas of concern were anger, yelling, hitting, kicking, and overall disrespect, . It is funny that they brought up all but one of those categories and they are the ages of 9, 6, 5, and 3. So we came up with some games to help. We took some poker chips and put a basket in the middle of the dining table. Everytime someone yells, kicks, or hits they have to put a chip in the basket. Every Saturday my wife and I decide who put the least amount of chips in and they get all the chips in the basket. They can use all the chips to buy something out of the prize box. If you refuse to put a chip in while you are mad then you are not eligible to win on Saturday. They do not realize that the chip is an action that makes them stop and think about what they are doing without any pressure to change from us.

Step-dads and Single Moms you are needed! You are LEADERS. Chose a path of love that leads to happiness and grade yourselves as a team. Listen, Listen, Listen. Love, Love, Love. God is good, and will give you the focus, skills, and love needed to make their lives better.

Morning and Night

The hardest time for a parent is trying to get your kids to wake up, and then getting them back to sleep. How do you go about this EVERYDAY task? Do you annoy them until they get up and they annoy you until they go to sleep?

Lets slow down for a minute and think about how important these two times are. Every inspirational, motivational instructor I have ever known about talks about starting your day off by making a decision of how your day is going to go. It really works for me. I get myself all fired up and the kiddos slow me down. But why is it important for me to start my day right and not for them? The answer is that they need to start their day right as well. In our home we have tried to focus on a set schedule so they know what to expect. No surprises first thing in the morning. Even the ones that are morning persons do not like surprises before they have had breakfast.

Parents need to adapt to each kids personality to maximize their full potential. Some kids like to sleep in late and stay up late. So does it really hurt you if you cater to that a little bit and allow them to have a later schedule? We have found we just wake our night-owl daughter up at the last possible minute. She functions better and tends to have a better day. With the morning kiddos we do the exact opposite. We set an alarm with them and explain that they are not allowed out of bed until it goes off. When it goes off they get up, turn it off, and go eat breakfast QUIETLY or go to the playroom and play. That way us parents are still getting what we need without sacrificing their schedule.

Getting them to sleep used to be AWFUL! Now they are very good and put themselves to sleep as they are ready. We have bath time, and send the little ones to their room. The bigger kids stay up until the little ones put themselves to sleep. In other words, we separate them.

The biggest and most important thing we do is we treat them in a way to set them up to have good dreams, and feel loved. Putting good thoughts in their mind. We always like to ask them what they are going to dream about and give them more ideas full of nice, sweet, colorful things.

Think about it. If someone woke you up every morning and put you in bed and told you to go to sleep. How would you want them to act?

Single moms keep your chin up. Spend time with your kiddos before you put them to bed and listen to the love they have for you. It is UNCONDITIONAL! Step-dads when you are waking your kids up in the morning and putting them to bed at night, it is not about you! Respect and do not Expect! Love and be gentle and it will pay off. Trust love, not anger. There is hope and it will work out.

Practice?

Do we ever get to practice in parenting? It seems like we are always on the stage in front of a crowd when parenting problems occur.

Over the years I have FINALLY realized that practice occurs at home. It is our time to train, develop, and grow with our kiddos. However, right when you leave that front door it is game time. They will immediately repeat what they have learned, heard, and seen.

A moment of clarity approached me while at my oldest sons soccer game. We practice at home every moment that we can. But when he goes in to the game, he forgets everything he has worked on. Why is that?

The answer is that the heat gets to him. He cannot handle all the pressure and tries the easy way out. In fact he always displays a need for the easy route in every part of his life. The bad part is, he learns it from adults. While we practice soccer at home and I am in top awareness of my parenting skills, he sees an even killed dad who is caring and thoughtful. When we get into a new scenario outside of the home, he sees a dad that sometimes does not handle similar situations the right way.

What an awesome life lesson. It is key that we practice at home, the same as we want to handle situations outside of the home.

God is good all the time. He makes our lives meaningful. Single moms and Step-dads, your job is not to be perfect bu your job is to be there. There is hope and tons of loving moments coming your way if you show up. Do the best you can and get up after you fail to be there when you succeed.

Motivation

Is there any motivation that you give your kiddos or is it all fear?

Example: Your boss comes to you and tells you that he needs you to be on time or else you lose your job. You are working out of FEAR. What if your boss sat you down and asked why you were late every day. Found out what the problem was and told you why it was important. Which would you prefer?

Not many people I know like to have their job threatened, or anything else. So why would we think our kids are any different? Some things have worked and some have not.

The thing that has worked the best is 3x5 cards that we have hung up all over the house. It may look a little tacky, but the kids love it and it helps ALL of us focus on what is important. Our family chose to put up scriptures that remid us who is in charge and how we need to act. We also wrote down the fruits of the spirit and have them above each of the kids beds on the ceiling. It works well because we are not the ones telling them what to do, God is. Also, it teaches them that we as parents are there to help them get to where THEY want to be. It gives us a chance to remind them that we do not decide, they do. Our job is to just help out. We also have written on cards the words "serve others."

Keep in mind that at home is like practice for the world. What you say, and how you say it is what they will say and how they will say it when you are not there.

God is good ALL THE TIME! Serve others, give give give, use gentle and kind words. Single moms, there is hope! I am so blessed to have married a single mom. I got the good end of the deal. Step-dads, it is hard but not impossible. Keep your mind on the goal...which is what? My goal is to provide my kids with a loving family full of support.