Movies, Hats, and Changes

Was at the movies with the family and took the 2 boys to the bathroom. A special needs kid about 20 years old was standing by the paper towels looked at me and said "I love that hat!" I immediately said "Do you want it?" He said "Oh yeah, I want it bad." I told him to try it on and it almost, kinda, sorta fit. I told him that he looked fantastic and he better keep it since it looked so good on him. He walked out and that was that. No parade, no thank you, nothing. I felt great, and so did he. Sounds like a good deal to me. Until then I hear from my 8 yr old boy..."did you really just do that?" "Yeah, how is he going to afford a hat?" I said. "But that is your favorite hat, and he didn't even say thank you." He said in a frustrated voice. "Little things change peoples lives, I have now told you and shown you. Did you see the look on his face? All that cost me was a dingy hat that I have worn too much. It is not about me or my hat, it is about him and putting his needs and feelings first."

As my boy will never forget that moment, it will be quite the opposite for me. Life as a step-dad is action packed and full of forgetable moments. I have realized that we replace memories (good and bad) with new memories (good and bad). So the question is "What memories do you want your kids to remember?" Give them more GOOD moments to replace in their head than bad. Take a moment to pause, and do the right thing no matter who is watching. There are so many moments that will become childhood memories for your little ones.

Step-dads create good memories for your new kids. Single moms be patient and live life for your kids and it will all work out. Putting others first always pays off in the long run. Create a family that loves to be with each other. It is up to you, make it happen with LOVE. There is hope.

Safe Place

As I find out more from each of my little kiddos I feel a little more prepared. Afterall, I have taken them to the ER and now know what to do. There are so many things I would like to tell but there is too much! So this blog will be a hodge podge of material to be reminded of....

-If your kids were abused in any way or not comfortable with their dad then you will see it come out as them acting up or doing things you do not want them to do. The reason is they are now comfortable and feel safe enough to release their anger and deal with it. I know everyone knows this but it is hard to remember when you are in the middle of it

-School is tough! Make sure you talk to them about details of school. It is major to them, regardless of how you feel. They spend most of their time there and need help socially

-Give EACH kid their own SAFE PLACE. The area should be only for them and no one else. They should be able to decorate it and be able to go there whenever they want. It will help them deal with life. This is especially important if they do not have their own room. We actually put blankets up over half their bed to where you cannot see in and they love it. If you like your personal space, then you will understand they like theirs too.

-School does not allow cough drops. They call it medicine and it needs to go through the school nurse. Ooops. Your kid could get suspended or expelled over this one.

-Go help out at school every chance you get, and BE FUN NOT COOL! Your kid is supposed to be the cool one, you are there to be nice and not a fool of your kid. If you do it right then they will ask you every chance they get to come back. AND they will let you into the tough areas of their life

-Listen, Listen, Listen... That means listen when THEY want you to listen. They never tell you anything deep when you are ready. Why? Ask a therapist, I am still new at this and have no clue.

-Provide them with a consistent schedule that makes them feel comfortable. They have enough changes everyday.

-Read "Scream-Free Parenting" by Hal Runkel. Great book, really works

-Monotone is your friend when they are angry. Be calming.

-Be who you are no matter how they act. Testing boundaries is supposed to happen, you losing your temper is not.

-Eat as a family, Pray as a family, ask "what did you do today," and listen. Goes a lot further than you think.

-You cannot be a good parent without knowing what is going on in thier lives. You cannot know what is going on if you do not listen and ask. You cannot ask if you have not earned the right, and you cannot earn the right without a lot of love, patience, and time.

God is good all the time. He pulls our talents together where needed. Realize that you have everything needed to be what your kids need. You may not be perfect, but you are everything they need. Single moms hang in there. Do not settle. God will supply you with who you need when it is time. Step-Dads hang in there. Trust is not won in the short-term, it is won in the long-term. It is the little things that matter. Vocalive your Love, listen, pray, and be thankful.