Prayer

Regardless of what you believe, give me a chance on this one...

When you are a new step-father there are some things you have to have. You have to be fun, flexible, helpful, loving, trusting, and trustworthy. I have personally found those are a whole lot easier to have with prayer.

Example: Trade off who prays at each meal together as a family. It creates ownership, responsibilty, pride, and thankfulness for them. It also makes sure you are having dinner together.

Now, I do beileve there is a whole lot more to prayer. God can take away scars that no medicine can. Most children who have been the product of a divorce have been cut deep. You cannot see what they feel, and until you have been around for years, then you will probably not even be able to tell. However, a way to get it out and to help them heal is to guide them to the ultimate healer. Who better to fix and heal their wounds? If at this point you are rolling your eyes, then please answer me one question. Why are you reading this blog if you already know everything and are fully capable and ready to deal with all the baggage your new kids have hanging on their backs?

Try it and you will become a believer. You may be hesitant but they will thrive in prayer. Here is how it works. You pray first, say something like "Dear God, Thank you for Junior. I am so happy to have met him. Please help us both be happy and have a great night!" If it is with a teenager simply ask them to do something crazy with you. Tell them you would like to pray for them and tell them it would make you very happy if it is ok. If they agree pray something like "Dear God, thank you for Junior. He is a great son and has made my life worthwhile. You know God that I have had my problems, but you have helped me and I want to thank you for healing all my pain from my past and brought me Junior." Junior will try it and make up his own mind.

Give it a chance, you may give the advise to someone else later after you find how much it helps!

Single moms and Step-dads stay strong with a gentle and caring heart! Keep the faith!

TEAM

It is so important to have a team atmosphere when it comes to the kids and the parents. It is even more important for the kids to hear and know that the mom and step-dad are on the same team. Although the kids do not want you to take their place, they do need you to be as close as they are with their mom. How does that work????

Simple, time spent with their mom outside of their hours with her. Mold your schedule to be with her when the kids are doing homework, napping, sleeping, at school, or playing outside. It may be 15 minutes, but a necessary 15 minutes. Remember, you came in late. You are the one needing to make sure you and their mom are fueling the flame of love you have without taking the kids place.

I have said before in my blogs that you need to have a special thing with each kid. That is a vital part of cultivating a relationshop with each one on a their personal level. For that same reason you need to make sure you are not negleting their mom as well. The biggest thing that will help the kids is a set schedule. So schedule in time for each kid and their mom. Stick to it and make sure that you can follow through. If you miss it, you may as well pack it up and quit. To them it as if you lied to them and you will not be able to have thier trust.

Isn't it funny that the things that everyone knows and anyone can do are the same things that kids need? Good dads are seperated by the tellers and the doers. DO, don't TELL!

Single moms make sure you act slow in picking a new husband and father of your kids. Change your criteria that made you pick their other dad. THINK and MOVE SLOW! The kids deserve it. Step-dads watch Jerry McGuire and DO NOT become him! Sounds dumb, but I am serious. It is impossible to become a dad if you do not have a DEEP love for their mom AND them! But there is hope. It can be done with love and effort.

Movies, Hats, and Changes

Was at the movies with the family and took the 2 boys to the bathroom. A special needs kid about 20 years old was standing by the paper towels looked at me and said "I love that hat!" I immediately said "Do you want it?" He said "Oh yeah, I want it bad." I told him to try it on and it almost, kinda, sorta fit. I told him that he looked fantastic and he better keep it since it looked so good on him. He walked out and that was that. No parade, no thank you, nothing. I felt great, and so did he. Sounds like a good deal to me. Until then I hear from my 8 yr old boy..."did you really just do that?" "Yeah, how is he going to afford a hat?" I said. "But that is your favorite hat, and he didn't even say thank you." He said in a frustrated voice. "Little things change peoples lives, I have now told you and shown you. Did you see the look on his face? All that cost me was a dingy hat that I have worn too much. It is not about me or my hat, it is about him and putting his needs and feelings first."

As my boy will never forget that moment, it will be quite the opposite for me. Life as a step-dad is action packed and full of forgetable moments. I have realized that we replace memories (good and bad) with new memories (good and bad). So the question is "What memories do you want your kids to remember?" Give them more GOOD moments to replace in their head than bad. Take a moment to pause, and do the right thing no matter who is watching. There are so many moments that will become childhood memories for your little ones.

Step-dads create good memories for your new kids. Single moms be patient and live life for your kids and it will all work out. Putting others first always pays off in the long run. Create a family that loves to be with each other. It is up to you, make it happen with LOVE. There is hope.

Safe Place

As I find out more from each of my little kiddos I feel a little more prepared. Afterall, I have taken them to the ER and now know what to do. There are so many things I would like to tell but there is too much! So this blog will be a hodge podge of material to be reminded of....

-If your kids were abused in any way or not comfortable with their dad then you will see it come out as them acting up or doing things you do not want them to do. The reason is they are now comfortable and feel safe enough to release their anger and deal with it. I know everyone knows this but it is hard to remember when you are in the middle of it

-School is tough! Make sure you talk to them about details of school. It is major to them, regardless of how you feel. They spend most of their time there and need help socially

-Give EACH kid their own SAFE PLACE. The area should be only for them and no one else. They should be able to decorate it and be able to go there whenever they want. It will help them deal with life. This is especially important if they do not have their own room. We actually put blankets up over half their bed to where you cannot see in and they love it. If you like your personal space, then you will understand they like theirs too.

-School does not allow cough drops. They call it medicine and it needs to go through the school nurse. Ooops. Your kid could get suspended or expelled over this one.

-Go help out at school every chance you get, and BE FUN NOT COOL! Your kid is supposed to be the cool one, you are there to be nice and not a fool of your kid. If you do it right then they will ask you every chance they get to come back. AND they will let you into the tough areas of their life

-Listen, Listen, Listen... That means listen when THEY want you to listen. They never tell you anything deep when you are ready. Why? Ask a therapist, I am still new at this and have no clue.

-Provide them with a consistent schedule that makes them feel comfortable. They have enough changes everyday.

-Read "Scream-Free Parenting" by Hal Runkel. Great book, really works

-Monotone is your friend when they are angry. Be calming.

-Be who you are no matter how they act. Testing boundaries is supposed to happen, you losing your temper is not.

-Eat as a family, Pray as a family, ask "what did you do today," and listen. Goes a lot further than you think.

-You cannot be a good parent without knowing what is going on in thier lives. You cannot know what is going on if you do not listen and ask. You cannot ask if you have not earned the right, and you cannot earn the right without a lot of love, patience, and time.

God is good all the time. He pulls our talents together where needed. Realize that you have everything needed to be what your kids need. You may not be perfect, but you are everything they need. Single moms hang in there. Do not settle. God will supply you with who you need when it is time. Step-Dads hang in there. Trust is not won in the short-term, it is won in the long-term. It is the little things that matter. Vocalive your Love, listen, pray, and be thankful.

Hugs, Kisses, I Love You's

The time most valuable with my little ones are the times they hug me, kiss me, and say "I love you."

If that is true for you, then what is the most valuable time for them with you?



Single moms, I know it is hard. I have seen what you go through. Keep going. It is worth it. You are the difference in your kid loving or hating. You are molding their gifts, desires, and worth! Step-dads, be careful, gentle, caring, loving, and consistent. They need you, but they need THE BEST of you! There is hope! I have seen it!

Soup Kitchen

So the oldest boy has been showing signs of leading a sheltered life. My solution: Soup Kitchen! Lets go see "real life" and go feed the homeless. I called and we went. We sat through the church service they needed to sit through to get a free meal. Then we went down and filled drinks, handed out food, cleaned the tables, swept the floor and mopped up. We were there for about 4 hours.

There is not a lot to say about this. It was all internal changes that are deep inside him. He let it soak in, and it has changed him. It is interesting how I went and it changed me for about a day, then I forgot we even went. But yet it changed how he looks at things and he never talks about it. Which is opposite of how kids normally work. They normally will talk about what they are thinking about and then it will be gone in an instant.

It came up because EVERY meal we would have he would say he hated, or would not want to eat it. It was things that he would end up loving or eat the whole thing once we got him started. At the Soup Kitchen almost everyone there thanked us over and over again. Not just once! Ever since then, he eats his meals and says "Thank you."

The lesson I learned once again? Don't pass up on opportunities to serve. It helps mold who you are. And helps you think about others and not yourself. Little things build up to be big things, whether good or bad. Build a lot of GOOD little things with your child and see what outcome your child has when it comes to the big things.

Single moms and step-dads. You are doing something AWESOME with your life. It is full of purpose and rewards beyond measure. You are needed! You are loved! Be thankful!

Calling the Teacher

So the oldest son has been going to school with nothing other than his homework. I make sure of it. I am puzzled when he returns home everyday with Pokemon cards, bakagons, and various other toys. I always ask him where he got them and then he begins to lie to my face and tell me he found them, or his friend gave it to him. He slipped up one day and said he traded a kid for them. That is when it hit the fan. Son....or soon to be son right now....what did you have to trade since I sent you with nothing. "I traded some stuff I had at school," he said. "What stuff?" I gently responded with. "Uh.....I don't know."

This went on for days. Then I told him that lying, cheating, stealing, and bullying were not allowed and if he would not tell me then I would call his teacher. He thought I was joking and told me that would be fine. So with his permission, HA!, I called her. At this point I am thinking he is a bully, which is hilarious since he is a tall skinny kid that is so nice and sweet. But how else was he getting all those things every day.

His teacher was glad I called and told me right when I said who I was "Oh, that kids a Trader." I asked what he was trading and it ends up my son is the freaking God Father of the 3rd grade. He is very smart and does real well in class and earns behavior bucks. Then he trades those to kids for their toys. What a kid. Trading a spot in the front of the line for a $5 toy. Sheesh!

This is where trust is so important. Delicately we talked about the whole situation and I had to call him out on it without being upset so he could learn. He had to trust me to become a better person. Keep that in mind. His trust in me is making HIM a better person. He now knows what it is to rip someone off, or what happens if you trade in a negative way. He is thinking about others because I could slow him down and make him see the bigger picture.

That is parenting. It shows itself at weird times. I have noticed that good parents prepare for those times by being a person their kids can love and trust when times are easy. We work hard with him to let him know that we care and talk with him on his level. See, he really does care about others and does not want to hurt them. But he did not see the big picture and see what happens on their side.

Step-dads and Single Moms. Trust in your kids, Love them, and guide them when it is easy. That will provide with you times to trust, love, and guide them when the tough times arise. THERE IS HOPE! I am proof. This family that has let me into their hearts is better than imaginable. Let God do the hard work.

Neon Green Poop

I told you that I would write this blog to give advice to step-dads who are coming to a house with a mom and her kids....

I am sitting at church the other day and of course our son who is having trouble going to the bathroom tells me he has to go bad! Translation...he already went in his pull-up and he doesn't want to get in trouble and make you think he is trying to go to the bathroom.

So we go to the bathroom and as he pulls down his pull-up I see NEON GREEN POOP!!!!! Now it was mearly a streak, I should not even say it was really poop, but never-the-less something NEON GREEN was there. At this point I am freaking out! We need to go to the ER. So we make sure he washes his sweet little innocent ,yet dirtiest I have ever been around, hands with soap. Then we go sit next to mommy and tell her we need to leave immediately. After I told her why I am pretty sure she laughed out loud IN CHURCH! She said "they ate those purple gummy spiders we gave them last night." I looked at her with true confusion as if she had not heard a word I said. I mean, our kid is dying, he has NEON GREEN poop. Get with it mommy, how have you and the kids survived this long without me? She then explains to me that whenever they eat anything with purple dye in it that they have different colors of poop. WOW! Didn't see that one coming.

Next thing on the agenda. Feeding them Green Dye to see what happens. ;-)

Single Moms and Step-dads. God is good all the time and will help you mold together. Patience, Trust, and Love are the keys to all of your happiness. God Bless you! THERE IS HOPE!

Trust

As you become an instant dad you realize you have no clue what you are doing. In fact, if you talk to any parent that is being truthful, they have no idea what they are doing either. You roll with the punches and try your best. Like any new parent I first looked for any books that would help. After that didn't work, I then talked to a number of people who all told me the same thing. "You learn as you go, the kids will be fine and you will too." That advice did not settle with me very well. So let me offer advice after being in this eventful scenario for about a year and 3/4.

My advice is to build trust with the kids. EVERYTHING they do throughout the day requires them to trust you or they will never let you in. Do not lie. That means even if you gave them a "maybe" answer you need to explain to them how it became a "yes" or a "no." That helps them think through the scenario how you did. They may not agree with your answer, but they will trust your answer. If you drop the word "maybe" out of your vocabulary then you will be much better off.

The reason why trust is so important is so you will be able to do things with them. That sounds dumb but think about it. When mom is not around, how do they treat you? That is a direct reflection on how much they trust you. And boy are there a lot of things you need to do with them without mom, or will she be stressed out. You then will not be helping but just another burden on her. Things like...putting them to bed, nap time, brushing teeth, fixing hair, taking them to the dr., to the park, having them go anywhere with you without mom.

Example: Youngest daughter who is 3 fell into a wall and cut herself above her eye. She let me pick her up, and put an ice pack on. She quit screaming because she knew I was taking care of her. Yet we had to take her to get 4 internal stitches and 8 external stitches. Trust is a powerful thing.

If you have done well then you will hear things like "Can I go with you? Can you do my hair? Will you sing to me so I can go to sleep? I am scared. Can you read to me?" And the best line of all..."I love you."

Lesson Learned: If they trust you they will come to you when they become vulnerable which is when they bond. Then you become a piece of their comfort zone.

Single Moms and Step-dads....TRUST there is HOPE and Believe in your gifts, abilites, and your children. Give them HOPE and there is HOPE for you! Give it all you have got today and make their life today a little better. Because that is what counts! Kisses, Hugs, and the words "I love you" are free to give, yet priceless! God Bless!

Arcade

The number one thing I have done right coming into this situation is spending time with each kid. I really do listen to what they have to say and truly enjoy who they are. With the mom I always say "he/she must have gotten that from me." That helps bring together the family. The key is time. Time you spend with them, and time you give them to figure things out for themselves. I guide but do not tell them what to think. If you are really busy like I am there is an easy solution. Each kid gets 10 minutes alone with me each week. They know that is their time and they LOVE it. It doesn't sound like a lot but it is something I have made a big deal over. Then if I can make extra time I like to take them places together or alone.

I took the oldest child to the arcade since he loves video games. He is analytical and worries a lot so to help him break his habits I told him to get in the car. After asking where we were going a million times he realized I was not going to tell him. All I kept saying was "somewhere fun." Without him knowing I was training him to trust me. When I met him he seemed ok, but his worries come from lack of trust. The more I have gotten to know him, the more I have found he needs to have more trust in people.

We get to the nickel arcade and I gave him $5 in nickels and I said "have fun." The blank stare pointed back at me told me everything I needed to know. "Dude go have fun, the only rule is do not leave this place without me. Have fun." I had my own nickels and I was ready to play. The poor kid tells me "what do I do?" At that point I knew was my chance to be a dad. A real dad. WOW. You mean he is 8 years old and doesn't know how to play video games? You might as well have told me he doesn't know how to throw a football (which I taught him at 7 by the way).

I stepped up to the plate and hit a home run. I made a monster out of him. He had the time of his life. In fact, he was having so much fun I had to tell him to not steal other people's tickets. HA! Kids! That is why God's greatest gifts are kids. They love and love and love, and are truly greatful for who you and are and what you do (most of the time).

Lesson Learned: He needs a dad. For me to be a dad to him, I have to put him in situations to trust me one little step at a time and teach him. TIME IS ESSENTIAL! But it needs to be time on THEIR agenda and on their level. It is NOT about you, it is ALL about them.

Single moms and Step-Dads....THERE IS HOPE!!!!!!!

Basics

We all know that everyone has different personalities, that is the easy part. I realized from the first day I met the oldest who was 7 at the time that he was analytical to the max and a worrier to say the least. The second oldest was 5 when I met her and immediately knew she wanted all the attention and wanted to fit in. The 4 year old was the solid tough guy who was ALL BOY. And of course little 2 year old girl who was so shy that she would go hide whenever she would see me.

Now, I waited for about 6 months before talking to them even on the phone. I waited about 2 months after that to even meet them. So they had been hearing about me and from me for 9 months. That was still not enough. Everyday we take it slow and that helps!

You may want to know why I said "was" while describing their personalities. The answer is easy, that is who I thought they were, not who they really are. With divorce obviously comes a lot of issues. In our situation there had been some abuse from the father who now hardly has any contact with the kids. That is a whole new set of problems.

The oldest is a kid who is emotional and had no idea what a dad was. I took him to the arcade when he was 8 and he didn't even know how to play one game there. See the arcade blog for details. The oldest girl was fine, except for her getting upset over nothing, crying until her face turns bright red, throwing anything she can find, kicking, punching, psychotic rampages she would go on. We couldn't even let her stay in a room by herself, yet when she was not throwing a fit she was the most loving kid you have even seen. The 4 yr old boy is just fine, and the youngest girl was 2 so there was not much she was happy about. But she loved to talk to me on the phone. She would say "I love you" and have a full conversation with me and it helped her be a "My girl" now only a year later.

Now that you know their basic moods and emotions I will be writing more on each week with them. You can always comment me to get more information. There is just way too much that happens in a week to write down. There is hope for you single moms out there to find someone who truly loves your kids. There is hope for you step-dads who are really trying to give the kids what they need.

THERE IS HOPE!!!!!!!!!

From the beginning...

For those of you who don't know me, let me start from the beginning. I dated a girl in high school and we lost touch for about 10 years. My best friend ran into her one night and got us back in touch. We lived in two different states so we talked on the phone a lot before we even saw each other. She had been married and was seperated while going through a nasty divorce. The marriage only brought one GOOD thing from it. That was their 4 kids. That's right 4 kids. The kiddos are boy, girl, boy, girl...8,6,5,3.

While me and my fiance started seeing each other we were striclty friends. Afterall, she had 4 kids. Who would want that???? Not me!!! But I fell in love with her and luckily she fell in love with me too. I did not talk with the kids for about 6 months to make sure it was just about her and I. She finished up her divorce before we started dating and the rest is history.

It is history worth talking about. I am in a unique position that provides GREAT opportunity. Yet I find myself on a path few have traveled. So I am writing this blog to help others in the same position. I hope this lends a helping hand. Feel free to make comments. I am by no means an expert!!!!