Where are you today?

Today my parents came into town to visit for a few days. It has been full of crazy schedules, food, and lots of time at the park. The one thing that keeps coming up is us all comparing the kids from the last time the grandparents saw them. This is a natural event that happens all the time, but for me this time has been different. Why? Because now we are taking out a report card and talking through why they are the way they are.

Example: My oldest step-son was having all types of rage and breaking things at Christmas. He would get so upset he was uncontrollable for us and for him. Today we look at him and see that he has one minor blow up a week, compared to 3 blow ups a day. These acts of rage are less violent and last less time.

So what does all this mean? It means they are all progressing and learning. They are all feeling comfortable and have found their role in our new found family. You might say that the biological dad is getting in your way of progression. If I only told you our situation you would no longer be able to use that as an excuse. Obviously it makes it difficult to say the least, but far from impossible. It just seems impossible.

As I look at each of my kids it makes me so proud to know they are all doing better and are better off with me in their life. Can you say the same? Regardless of the grandparents being here or not, my wife and I have already set up times when we critique and review our beliefs and make sure our actions are directing us toward our beliefs or away from them. It is a time that also brings us more together and makes me see where I need to spend time.

Our last critique session was in a family meeting with the kids. It started by me asking the family where they think we are good, and where we need some help. The kids had input and so did we. It created the "buy-in" necessary to get the motivation and intensity up to achieve our goal.

The areas of concern were anger, yelling, hitting, kicking, and overall disrespect, . It is funny that they brought up all but one of those categories and they are the ages of 9, 6, 5, and 3. So we came up with some games to help. We took some poker chips and put a basket in the middle of the dining table. Everytime someone yells, kicks, or hits they have to put a chip in the basket. Every Saturday my wife and I decide who put the least amount of chips in and they get all the chips in the basket. They can use all the chips to buy something out of the prize box. If you refuse to put a chip in while you are mad then you are not eligible to win on Saturday. They do not realize that the chip is an action that makes them stop and think about what they are doing without any pressure to change from us.

Step-dads and Single Moms you are needed! You are LEADERS. Chose a path of love that leads to happiness and grade yourselves as a team. Listen, Listen, Listen. Love, Love, Love. God is good, and will give you the focus, skills, and love needed to make their lives better.

Morning and Night

The hardest time for a parent is trying to get your kids to wake up, and then getting them back to sleep. How do you go about this EVERYDAY task? Do you annoy them until they get up and they annoy you until they go to sleep?

Lets slow down for a minute and think about how important these two times are. Every inspirational, motivational instructor I have ever known about talks about starting your day off by making a decision of how your day is going to go. It really works for me. I get myself all fired up and the kiddos slow me down. But why is it important for me to start my day right and not for them? The answer is that they need to start their day right as well. In our home we have tried to focus on a set schedule so they know what to expect. No surprises first thing in the morning. Even the ones that are morning persons do not like surprises before they have had breakfast.

Parents need to adapt to each kids personality to maximize their full potential. Some kids like to sleep in late and stay up late. So does it really hurt you if you cater to that a little bit and allow them to have a later schedule? We have found we just wake our night-owl daughter up at the last possible minute. She functions better and tends to have a better day. With the morning kiddos we do the exact opposite. We set an alarm with them and explain that they are not allowed out of bed until it goes off. When it goes off they get up, turn it off, and go eat breakfast QUIETLY or go to the playroom and play. That way us parents are still getting what we need without sacrificing their schedule.

Getting them to sleep used to be AWFUL! Now they are very good and put themselves to sleep as they are ready. We have bath time, and send the little ones to their room. The bigger kids stay up until the little ones put themselves to sleep. In other words, we separate them.

The biggest and most important thing we do is we treat them in a way to set them up to have good dreams, and feel loved. Putting good thoughts in their mind. We always like to ask them what they are going to dream about and give them more ideas full of nice, sweet, colorful things.

Think about it. If someone woke you up every morning and put you in bed and told you to go to sleep. How would you want them to act?

Single moms keep your chin up. Spend time with your kiddos before you put them to bed and listen to the love they have for you. It is UNCONDITIONAL! Step-dads when you are waking your kids up in the morning and putting them to bed at night, it is not about you! Respect and do not Expect! Love and be gentle and it will pay off. Trust love, not anger. There is hope and it will work out.

Practice?

Do we ever get to practice in parenting? It seems like we are always on the stage in front of a crowd when parenting problems occur.

Over the years I have FINALLY realized that practice occurs at home. It is our time to train, develop, and grow with our kiddos. However, right when you leave that front door it is game time. They will immediately repeat what they have learned, heard, and seen.

A moment of clarity approached me while at my oldest sons soccer game. We practice at home every moment that we can. But when he goes in to the game, he forgets everything he has worked on. Why is that?

The answer is that the heat gets to him. He cannot handle all the pressure and tries the easy way out. In fact he always displays a need for the easy route in every part of his life. The bad part is, he learns it from adults. While we practice soccer at home and I am in top awareness of my parenting skills, he sees an even killed dad who is caring and thoughtful. When we get into a new scenario outside of the home, he sees a dad that sometimes does not handle similar situations the right way.

What an awesome life lesson. It is key that we practice at home, the same as we want to handle situations outside of the home.

God is good all the time. He makes our lives meaningful. Single moms and Step-dads, your job is not to be perfect bu your job is to be there. There is hope and tons of loving moments coming your way if you show up. Do the best you can and get up after you fail to be there when you succeed.

Motivation

Is there any motivation that you give your kiddos or is it all fear?

Example: Your boss comes to you and tells you that he needs you to be on time or else you lose your job. You are working out of FEAR. What if your boss sat you down and asked why you were late every day. Found out what the problem was and told you why it was important. Which would you prefer?

Not many people I know like to have their job threatened, or anything else. So why would we think our kids are any different? Some things have worked and some have not.

The thing that has worked the best is 3x5 cards that we have hung up all over the house. It may look a little tacky, but the kids love it and it helps ALL of us focus on what is important. Our family chose to put up scriptures that remid us who is in charge and how we need to act. We also wrote down the fruits of the spirit and have them above each of the kids beds on the ceiling. It works well because we are not the ones telling them what to do, God is. Also, it teaches them that we as parents are there to help them get to where THEY want to be. It gives us a chance to remind them that we do not decide, they do. Our job is to just help out. We also have written on cards the words "serve others."

Keep in mind that at home is like practice for the world. What you say, and how you say it is what they will say and how they will say it when you are not there.

God is good ALL THE TIME! Serve others, give give give, use gentle and kind words. Single moms, there is hope! I am so blessed to have married a single mom. I got the good end of the deal. Step-dads, it is hard but not impossible. Keep your mind on the goal...which is what? My goal is to provide my kids with a loving family full of support.

Family Motto

It has been a busy 4 months since I last wrote a blog. I now have been married to the mom for a couple months and life has been nothing short of a tornado. We have both been hit by the economy and life as hard as imaginable. That has made us have to refocus on a number of occasions and make sure we are giving each other and the kiddos what they need.

The best thing we have done over the last 4 months is come up with a family motto. One of the greatest men I have ever known gave some advice to a class my wife and I were attending. He said that each family needs a motto and direction. When he asked if anyone knew their family motto, everyone in the class responded with the correct answer of "love God, hate sin."

For several months we have been trying to come up with something that will stand the test of time, moods, life events, and be consistent with where we want to be headed. We finally came up with one and it has changed our lives.

Motto: SERVE OTHERS

It may not sound like a motto, but it fits our family. We used to go around the table every night at dinner and ask how each persons day went. The kids were always looking forward to giving their story. Now we go around the table and tell what 2 things we have done to serve people today. Our 3 year old struggles a little bit, but as we help her she has come up with the most sacrificial serving moments.

If you are still not sold on this idea of a family motto. Here is an example how it has changed my focus. I was recently laid off from my job with no severance package. My wife had been looking for a job for the last 3 months and had just started her job. Financially we were worse than we have ever been and frankly poor. I went to go get a much needed haircut and there were 2 people getting their haircut. I sat down and waited patiently while I was on the phone with my wife while she was telling me that we needed more money to pay rent for the month. I hung up as one guy handed his credit card to the hair dresser. She tried it a few times and it did not work. She told him that he needed to bring back cash today and she took his license as collateral. Just then I kept thinking about our family motto and it made me forget about my problems and Trust in Gods Mercy. I stopped the guy and handed my card to the hair dresser and told her I would pay for his haircut. Everyone was so shocked, and that is all they talked about for the rest of the time I was there. One guy told me that I inspired him to help someone that day.

The best part came when it was my turn at dinner. It was one of my two items and the kids were so shocked that it was all they talked about. My wife and I then had the chance to talk to them about truly stepping up to the plate and being like Jesus. It is so funny to think someone paying $13 for someone could make people talk more about that than any of Jesus' miracles. It reminds me that it is not about me.

Help someone today. Change your focus. TRUST God. There is hope for you single-moms, and support for you dads! God is good ALL THE TIME.