Trust

As you become an instant dad you realize you have no clue what you are doing. In fact, if you talk to any parent that is being truthful, they have no idea what they are doing either. You roll with the punches and try your best. Like any new parent I first looked for any books that would help. After that didn't work, I then talked to a number of people who all told me the same thing. "You learn as you go, the kids will be fine and you will too." That advice did not settle with me very well. So let me offer advice after being in this eventful scenario for about a year and 3/4.

My advice is to build trust with the kids. EVERYTHING they do throughout the day requires them to trust you or they will never let you in. Do not lie. That means even if you gave them a "maybe" answer you need to explain to them how it became a "yes" or a "no." That helps them think through the scenario how you did. They may not agree with your answer, but they will trust your answer. If you drop the word "maybe" out of your vocabulary then you will be much better off.

The reason why trust is so important is so you will be able to do things with them. That sounds dumb but think about it. When mom is not around, how do they treat you? That is a direct reflection on how much they trust you. And boy are there a lot of things you need to do with them without mom, or will she be stressed out. You then will not be helping but just another burden on her. Things like...putting them to bed, nap time, brushing teeth, fixing hair, taking them to the dr., to the park, having them go anywhere with you without mom.

Example: Youngest daughter who is 3 fell into a wall and cut herself above her eye. She let me pick her up, and put an ice pack on. She quit screaming because she knew I was taking care of her. Yet we had to take her to get 4 internal stitches and 8 external stitches. Trust is a powerful thing.

If you have done well then you will hear things like "Can I go with you? Can you do my hair? Will you sing to me so I can go to sleep? I am scared. Can you read to me?" And the best line of all..."I love you."

Lesson Learned: If they trust you they will come to you when they become vulnerable which is when they bond. Then you become a piece of their comfort zone.

Single Moms and Step-dads....TRUST there is HOPE and Believe in your gifts, abilites, and your children. Give them HOPE and there is HOPE for you! Give it all you have got today and make their life today a little better. Because that is what counts! Kisses, Hugs, and the words "I love you" are free to give, yet priceless! God Bless!

Arcade

The number one thing I have done right coming into this situation is spending time with each kid. I really do listen to what they have to say and truly enjoy who they are. With the mom I always say "he/she must have gotten that from me." That helps bring together the family. The key is time. Time you spend with them, and time you give them to figure things out for themselves. I guide but do not tell them what to think. If you are really busy like I am there is an easy solution. Each kid gets 10 minutes alone with me each week. They know that is their time and they LOVE it. It doesn't sound like a lot but it is something I have made a big deal over. Then if I can make extra time I like to take them places together or alone.

I took the oldest child to the arcade since he loves video games. He is analytical and worries a lot so to help him break his habits I told him to get in the car. After asking where we were going a million times he realized I was not going to tell him. All I kept saying was "somewhere fun." Without him knowing I was training him to trust me. When I met him he seemed ok, but his worries come from lack of trust. The more I have gotten to know him, the more I have found he needs to have more trust in people.

We get to the nickel arcade and I gave him $5 in nickels and I said "have fun." The blank stare pointed back at me told me everything I needed to know. "Dude go have fun, the only rule is do not leave this place without me. Have fun." I had my own nickels and I was ready to play. The poor kid tells me "what do I do?" At that point I knew was my chance to be a dad. A real dad. WOW. You mean he is 8 years old and doesn't know how to play video games? You might as well have told me he doesn't know how to throw a football (which I taught him at 7 by the way).

I stepped up to the plate and hit a home run. I made a monster out of him. He had the time of his life. In fact, he was having so much fun I had to tell him to not steal other people's tickets. HA! Kids! That is why God's greatest gifts are kids. They love and love and love, and are truly greatful for who you and are and what you do (most of the time).

Lesson Learned: He needs a dad. For me to be a dad to him, I have to put him in situations to trust me one little step at a time and teach him. TIME IS ESSENTIAL! But it needs to be time on THEIR agenda and on their level. It is NOT about you, it is ALL about them.

Single moms and Step-Dads....THERE IS HOPE!!!!!!!

Basics

We all know that everyone has different personalities, that is the easy part. I realized from the first day I met the oldest who was 7 at the time that he was analytical to the max and a worrier to say the least. The second oldest was 5 when I met her and immediately knew she wanted all the attention and wanted to fit in. The 4 year old was the solid tough guy who was ALL BOY. And of course little 2 year old girl who was so shy that she would go hide whenever she would see me.

Now, I waited for about 6 months before talking to them even on the phone. I waited about 2 months after that to even meet them. So they had been hearing about me and from me for 9 months. That was still not enough. Everyday we take it slow and that helps!

You may want to know why I said "was" while describing their personalities. The answer is easy, that is who I thought they were, not who they really are. With divorce obviously comes a lot of issues. In our situation there had been some abuse from the father who now hardly has any contact with the kids. That is a whole new set of problems.

The oldest is a kid who is emotional and had no idea what a dad was. I took him to the arcade when he was 8 and he didn't even know how to play one game there. See the arcade blog for details. The oldest girl was fine, except for her getting upset over nothing, crying until her face turns bright red, throwing anything she can find, kicking, punching, psychotic rampages she would go on. We couldn't even let her stay in a room by herself, yet when she was not throwing a fit she was the most loving kid you have even seen. The 4 yr old boy is just fine, and the youngest girl was 2 so there was not much she was happy about. But she loved to talk to me on the phone. She would say "I love you" and have a full conversation with me and it helped her be a "My girl" now only a year later.

Now that you know their basic moods and emotions I will be writing more on each week with them. You can always comment me to get more information. There is just way too much that happens in a week to write down. There is hope for you single moms out there to find someone who truly loves your kids. There is hope for you step-dads who are really trying to give the kids what they need.

THERE IS HOPE!!!!!!!!!

From the beginning...

For those of you who don't know me, let me start from the beginning. I dated a girl in high school and we lost touch for about 10 years. My best friend ran into her one night and got us back in touch. We lived in two different states so we talked on the phone a lot before we even saw each other. She had been married and was seperated while going through a nasty divorce. The marriage only brought one GOOD thing from it. That was their 4 kids. That's right 4 kids. The kiddos are boy, girl, boy, girl...8,6,5,3.

While me and my fiance started seeing each other we were striclty friends. Afterall, she had 4 kids. Who would want that???? Not me!!! But I fell in love with her and luckily she fell in love with me too. I did not talk with the kids for about 6 months to make sure it was just about her and I. She finished up her divorce before we started dating and the rest is history.

It is history worth talking about. I am in a unique position that provides GREAT opportunity. Yet I find myself on a path few have traveled. So I am writing this blog to help others in the same position. I hope this lends a helping hand. Feel free to make comments. I am by no means an expert!!!!