Family Motto

It has been a busy 4 months since I last wrote a blog. I now have been married to the mom for a couple months and life has been nothing short of a tornado. We have both been hit by the economy and life as hard as imaginable. That has made us have to refocus on a number of occasions and make sure we are giving each other and the kiddos what they need.

The best thing we have done over the last 4 months is come up with a family motto. One of the greatest men I have ever known gave some advice to a class my wife and I were attending. He said that each family needs a motto and direction. When he asked if anyone knew their family motto, everyone in the class responded with the correct answer of "love God, hate sin."

For several months we have been trying to come up with something that will stand the test of time, moods, life events, and be consistent with where we want to be headed. We finally came up with one and it has changed our lives.

Motto: SERVE OTHERS

It may not sound like a motto, but it fits our family. We used to go around the table every night at dinner and ask how each persons day went. The kids were always looking forward to giving their story. Now we go around the table and tell what 2 things we have done to serve people today. Our 3 year old struggles a little bit, but as we help her she has come up with the most sacrificial serving moments.

If you are still not sold on this idea of a family motto. Here is an example how it has changed my focus. I was recently laid off from my job with no severance package. My wife had been looking for a job for the last 3 months and had just started her job. Financially we were worse than we have ever been and frankly poor. I went to go get a much needed haircut and there were 2 people getting their haircut. I sat down and waited patiently while I was on the phone with my wife while she was telling me that we needed more money to pay rent for the month. I hung up as one guy handed his credit card to the hair dresser. She tried it a few times and it did not work. She told him that he needed to bring back cash today and she took his license as collateral. Just then I kept thinking about our family motto and it made me forget about my problems and Trust in Gods Mercy. I stopped the guy and handed my card to the hair dresser and told her I would pay for his haircut. Everyone was so shocked, and that is all they talked about for the rest of the time I was there. One guy told me that I inspired him to help someone that day.

The best part came when it was my turn at dinner. It was one of my two items and the kids were so shocked that it was all they talked about. My wife and I then had the chance to talk to them about truly stepping up to the plate and being like Jesus. It is so funny to think someone paying $13 for someone could make people talk more about that than any of Jesus' miracles. It reminds me that it is not about me.

Help someone today. Change your focus. TRUST God. There is hope for you single-moms, and support for you dads! God is good ALL THE TIME.

Prayer

Regardless of what you believe, give me a chance on this one...

When you are a new step-father there are some things you have to have. You have to be fun, flexible, helpful, loving, trusting, and trustworthy. I have personally found those are a whole lot easier to have with prayer.

Example: Trade off who prays at each meal together as a family. It creates ownership, responsibilty, pride, and thankfulness for them. It also makes sure you are having dinner together.

Now, I do beileve there is a whole lot more to prayer. God can take away scars that no medicine can. Most children who have been the product of a divorce have been cut deep. You cannot see what they feel, and until you have been around for years, then you will probably not even be able to tell. However, a way to get it out and to help them heal is to guide them to the ultimate healer. Who better to fix and heal their wounds? If at this point you are rolling your eyes, then please answer me one question. Why are you reading this blog if you already know everything and are fully capable and ready to deal with all the baggage your new kids have hanging on their backs?

Try it and you will become a believer. You may be hesitant but they will thrive in prayer. Here is how it works. You pray first, say something like "Dear God, Thank you for Junior. I am so happy to have met him. Please help us both be happy and have a great night!" If it is with a teenager simply ask them to do something crazy with you. Tell them you would like to pray for them and tell them it would make you very happy if it is ok. If they agree pray something like "Dear God, thank you for Junior. He is a great son and has made my life worthwhile. You know God that I have had my problems, but you have helped me and I want to thank you for healing all my pain from my past and brought me Junior." Junior will try it and make up his own mind.

Give it a chance, you may give the advise to someone else later after you find how much it helps!

Single moms and Step-dads stay strong with a gentle and caring heart! Keep the faith!

TEAM

It is so important to have a team atmosphere when it comes to the kids and the parents. It is even more important for the kids to hear and know that the mom and step-dad are on the same team. Although the kids do not want you to take their place, they do need you to be as close as they are with their mom. How does that work????

Simple, time spent with their mom outside of their hours with her. Mold your schedule to be with her when the kids are doing homework, napping, sleeping, at school, or playing outside. It may be 15 minutes, but a necessary 15 minutes. Remember, you came in late. You are the one needing to make sure you and their mom are fueling the flame of love you have without taking the kids place.

I have said before in my blogs that you need to have a special thing with each kid. That is a vital part of cultivating a relationshop with each one on a their personal level. For that same reason you need to make sure you are not negleting their mom as well. The biggest thing that will help the kids is a set schedule. So schedule in time for each kid and their mom. Stick to it and make sure that you can follow through. If you miss it, you may as well pack it up and quit. To them it as if you lied to them and you will not be able to have thier trust.

Isn't it funny that the things that everyone knows and anyone can do are the same things that kids need? Good dads are seperated by the tellers and the doers. DO, don't TELL!

Single moms make sure you act slow in picking a new husband and father of your kids. Change your criteria that made you pick their other dad. THINK and MOVE SLOW! The kids deserve it. Step-dads watch Jerry McGuire and DO NOT become him! Sounds dumb, but I am serious. It is impossible to become a dad if you do not have a DEEP love for their mom AND them! But there is hope. It can be done with love and effort.

Movies, Hats, and Changes

Was at the movies with the family and took the 2 boys to the bathroom. A special needs kid about 20 years old was standing by the paper towels looked at me and said "I love that hat!" I immediately said "Do you want it?" He said "Oh yeah, I want it bad." I told him to try it on and it almost, kinda, sorta fit. I told him that he looked fantastic and he better keep it since it looked so good on him. He walked out and that was that. No parade, no thank you, nothing. I felt great, and so did he. Sounds like a good deal to me. Until then I hear from my 8 yr old boy..."did you really just do that?" "Yeah, how is he going to afford a hat?" I said. "But that is your favorite hat, and he didn't even say thank you." He said in a frustrated voice. "Little things change peoples lives, I have now told you and shown you. Did you see the look on his face? All that cost me was a dingy hat that I have worn too much. It is not about me or my hat, it is about him and putting his needs and feelings first."

As my boy will never forget that moment, it will be quite the opposite for me. Life as a step-dad is action packed and full of forgetable moments. I have realized that we replace memories (good and bad) with new memories (good and bad). So the question is "What memories do you want your kids to remember?" Give them more GOOD moments to replace in their head than bad. Take a moment to pause, and do the right thing no matter who is watching. There are so many moments that will become childhood memories for your little ones.

Step-dads create good memories for your new kids. Single moms be patient and live life for your kids and it will all work out. Putting others first always pays off in the long run. Create a family that loves to be with each other. It is up to you, make it happen with LOVE. There is hope.

Safe Place

As I find out more from each of my little kiddos I feel a little more prepared. Afterall, I have taken them to the ER and now know what to do. There are so many things I would like to tell but there is too much! So this blog will be a hodge podge of material to be reminded of....

-If your kids were abused in any way or not comfortable with their dad then you will see it come out as them acting up or doing things you do not want them to do. The reason is they are now comfortable and feel safe enough to release their anger and deal with it. I know everyone knows this but it is hard to remember when you are in the middle of it

-School is tough! Make sure you talk to them about details of school. It is major to them, regardless of how you feel. They spend most of their time there and need help socially

-Give EACH kid their own SAFE PLACE. The area should be only for them and no one else. They should be able to decorate it and be able to go there whenever they want. It will help them deal with life. This is especially important if they do not have their own room. We actually put blankets up over half their bed to where you cannot see in and they love it. If you like your personal space, then you will understand they like theirs too.

-School does not allow cough drops. They call it medicine and it needs to go through the school nurse. Ooops. Your kid could get suspended or expelled over this one.

-Go help out at school every chance you get, and BE FUN NOT COOL! Your kid is supposed to be the cool one, you are there to be nice and not a fool of your kid. If you do it right then they will ask you every chance they get to come back. AND they will let you into the tough areas of their life

-Listen, Listen, Listen... That means listen when THEY want you to listen. They never tell you anything deep when you are ready. Why? Ask a therapist, I am still new at this and have no clue.

-Provide them with a consistent schedule that makes them feel comfortable. They have enough changes everyday.

-Read "Scream-Free Parenting" by Hal Runkel. Great book, really works

-Monotone is your friend when they are angry. Be calming.

-Be who you are no matter how they act. Testing boundaries is supposed to happen, you losing your temper is not.

-Eat as a family, Pray as a family, ask "what did you do today," and listen. Goes a lot further than you think.

-You cannot be a good parent without knowing what is going on in thier lives. You cannot know what is going on if you do not listen and ask. You cannot ask if you have not earned the right, and you cannot earn the right without a lot of love, patience, and time.

God is good all the time. He pulls our talents together where needed. Realize that you have everything needed to be what your kids need. You may not be perfect, but you are everything they need. Single moms hang in there. Do not settle. God will supply you with who you need when it is time. Step-Dads hang in there. Trust is not won in the short-term, it is won in the long-term. It is the little things that matter. Vocalive your Love, listen, pray, and be thankful.

Hugs, Kisses, I Love You's

The time most valuable with my little ones are the times they hug me, kiss me, and say "I love you."

If that is true for you, then what is the most valuable time for them with you?



Single moms, I know it is hard. I have seen what you go through. Keep going. It is worth it. You are the difference in your kid loving or hating. You are molding their gifts, desires, and worth! Step-dads, be careful, gentle, caring, loving, and consistent. They need you, but they need THE BEST of you! There is hope! I have seen it!

Soup Kitchen

So the oldest boy has been showing signs of leading a sheltered life. My solution: Soup Kitchen! Lets go see "real life" and go feed the homeless. I called and we went. We sat through the church service they needed to sit through to get a free meal. Then we went down and filled drinks, handed out food, cleaned the tables, swept the floor and mopped up. We were there for about 4 hours.

There is not a lot to say about this. It was all internal changes that are deep inside him. He let it soak in, and it has changed him. It is interesting how I went and it changed me for about a day, then I forgot we even went. But yet it changed how he looks at things and he never talks about it. Which is opposite of how kids normally work. They normally will talk about what they are thinking about and then it will be gone in an instant.

It came up because EVERY meal we would have he would say he hated, or would not want to eat it. It was things that he would end up loving or eat the whole thing once we got him started. At the Soup Kitchen almost everyone there thanked us over and over again. Not just once! Ever since then, he eats his meals and says "Thank you."

The lesson I learned once again? Don't pass up on opportunities to serve. It helps mold who you are. And helps you think about others and not yourself. Little things build up to be big things, whether good or bad. Build a lot of GOOD little things with your child and see what outcome your child has when it comes to the big things.

Single moms and step-dads. You are doing something AWESOME with your life. It is full of purpose and rewards beyond measure. You are needed! You are loved! Be thankful!